(Being frames from the Sunday Comics without images)
1. Join The Fun
You may win a nice prize
Now, look what you’ve done
It’s too hard to explain, Elmo
I need every book you’ve got on empty nest syndrome
You said you knew what it meant and you don’t
But is this how I really look?
Wow, Slick, that’s real slick
There must be a way to stop your arms flapping around like that
2. I Earn Every Bite
So what does that tell you?
Laughing exercises all 32 muscles in your face
The final innings against your team’s biggest rival...
Mr. Trump has so much to teach us, doesn’t he, Dad?
Rats. It’s probably that round headed poet
Uh, Bruck, Derek. Come on, guys, you’re supposed to be checking for drugs and weapons
I just caught Mr. Bumstead red-handed
If it’s called daylight savings time, will you save some time for me?
Why are we asking him for directions?
3. Lies Ahead
But if you can’t file with the principal, LuAnn...who can you file with?
I want to get pretty before I go back to the hospital
And just exactly who is “we”, you little rat?
Are you sure a thousand dollars is enough?
Dog Proof? I think not
What makes you think mud is healthy?
I call them her buns of steel
From the leftovers of their meals, Maeve has been saving scraps of lard--
enough to hold a key’s impression
Nature is the greenhouse of the soul
Because he’s calling from across the street
I, however, play the course less taken
You missed the big battle Lucky Eddie. Where were you?
Not mine. You’ll make my fake tan all streaky
Tonight’s top story is my contract has been renewed
Coach didn’t want me to tell you, but the bus is about the leave
Mr. Eyepatch’s shrink, guru, and surrogate Daddy. Wouldn’t it be great if we could get him to talk?
OK boys...then you can cook your own supper
This isn’t the beginning. This is the ending
They enjoy a lot of the same foods as us
Let’s form protein symphony reactionary teens
Continued sin throughout the night
The worm took me to an early bird
Cheer up, Fuzz. I’m sure Snoopy couldn’t do it the first time either
4. Invasion Of The Belly Snatchers
I’m on the couch. I’m fluffing up the pillow
I shouldn’t have to scream at you more than once
There wasn’t any water in the pool.
Hey, know any “Hootie and the Blowfish?”
With my honor in tact I start my day
Do you really believe Harrison would say, “Yes, Lu Ann, I showed you that porno video on purpose to watch your shocked face. It made me laugh to see you squirm. Oh, and by the way...I’m the one who made that obscene phone call to you and put the naked doll on your desk.”
I wanted to observe them unnoticed
Could I have the key to my cell
I’m taking my beauty bath
Cause you don’t act like a girl
Must’ve been the midnight express
With its 200 trillion slugpower engine, the slugmobile races toward the gleaming city...
You’ll be all you can be when I say you’re all you can be
Is it really worth all this trouble just to walk a few blocks
If I wanted a fixer-upper, I’d keep the house I’m in
5. Howard Stern Free Zone
Oh, no, not the silent treatment
I’m walking my pet ant
Do the hex and I’ll give you a raise
We award the plaintiff $20 million and the jury $2 million
Find six differences between these two panels
He forgot to look both ways before crossing
Bell a set
Sell a lob
It’s enough to make a man sick
They put up this sign to keep the tourists away
Unidentified fried object
According to your crystal ball, you life will change
The ‘Stone of Destiny”-- the ancestral rock of Caledonia shall this day be ours
It’s our regular Sunday group
Here’s your list of fake acronyms for the staff meeting
Fetch the ball, Odie
You’re six. You can talk and read and sing. You can swim and count and ride a bike, so compared to a brand new baby you’re extra special
Golfers enjoy the game more when they feel guilty
I must say, the real satisfaction in cartooning comes from sharing one’s work with others
Sorry, Mate, I don’t know exactly--most of the time I just ignore it
6. The Noodle with a Knife in It
And the neck flies
Quick...get the magic marker
What’s the surprise
Your mother tried to call
They’re boring, they’re loud, they’re annoying, they can’t take a hint
Someone should notify the Audubon Society
Me and my big mouth
Hey, it’s heckling in the nineties
I miss my capacity for outrage
One of us is a cheap, lying, unscrupulous weasel
Like I’ve said before, never take a shortcut thrugh a miniature golf course
Please come again. After I’m dead.
Time sure crawls when you’re waiting for the pizza delivery guy.
You’re not saving those, are you?
You’d probably need ‘em later to kick yourself with.
Or I could gently tap each one on the shoulder. Naah.
Yeeha. I won five front-row tickets to bikini mud wrestling.
It’s our most popular exercise machine--a TV without a remote control.
Take me back to my childhood and leave me there.
First letter, second letter, first letter, third letter, third letter, second letter.
Dogs can do a lot of things birds can’t do.
I need the number for Doctor Kevorkian.
Look at you, you lazy lump.
Gentlemen, start your forks.
If a little lamb is a lambkin, what is a little sleep?
He had two hours in the pool.
Tom? Who’s Tom? I’m Ernie, Ernie Neidermeyer.
Lord...why did you have to make me so hateful.
That sounds like our old cuckoo clock up in the attic.
I wonder if I’m too old to emigrate?
I paid her a commission to leave the store.
OK Otis, look cute.
7. The Reason Wile E. Coyote Hated Hospitals
You can tell a person by the sound of their walk.
You’re a lot of fun, plus, you can’t talk.
This is deep background.
He’s sleeping as fast as he can.
See, these are magic fingers.
There are free goodies in the break room.
I’m never taking you through the car wash again.
He’s blowing on a little flame to get the sticks going.
Yeah, I hardly recognize myself without a bow tie.
Who is that guy anyway? Just get rid of him.
Is it my fault parsley doesn’t grow wild in this neighborhood?
The phrase “show no mercy” is understood by all.
Dad says you like bugles because you’re always tooting your own horn.
I need to head-bang while I’m geeking, so I hope you’re cool with that.
They’re totally non-violent, educational, earth-friendly, unisex and designed to promote cooperative play.
Commercialization is the cornerstone of our society.
Do turtles have souls?
We can make photocopier ink last longer by adding water to it.
You’re right he won’t fetch.
What’s wrong with dog lips.
How about raw numbers?
I count 13 steps leading up to the scaffold.
Well, I could have dried up like a prune.
No, the dress doesn’t may you look fat, your body does that.
I suppose you’re going to hold me to that promise.
They have feelings too.
The catapults soon resume their volley.
Why don’t we stay in here for while.
I’ll have the chameleon
No, no! The tough get going this way.
Someone has to be a policeman to stop these people from killing each other.
Keep it short, keep it feasible, keep it simple.
A million dollar wish doesn’t go as far as it used to.
We’re not playing a game; we’re producing a big budget event.
An’ dad didn’t have to use any bait.
9. Poppa Loved Momma
Momma Loved Men
Momma’s in the Graveyard
Poppa’s in the Pen
From now on we’ll nurture the passion of our rebellious employees and form strategies around them.
Here we got some junk mail with your name on it.
Quit jabbering and fire that sucker up.
Wow, that is pathetic
I swallowed the toy whistle in my breakfast cereal.
But can’t we strip bare their lies just on weekends?
The news is so depressing.
My own kid despised me until I bought…
May I speak to the man of the house?
It’s hopeless, Mom.
Probably a tire company or something.